It Only Takes a Moment

Great song from Hello Dolly. And from the time that Randy and I "got back together" there are so many wonderful ones. It was almost like we were dating again, but this time, a little older and a little wiser. And there was one moment imparticular that for me, is one of the best.

With Randy and I infected, it only seemed right that we go and visit the AIDS Memorial Quilt that was going to be displayed in Pasadena at the Rose Bowl. T'was a historic, yet bittersweet exhibition as there were so many rememberance panels that it had grown too large to show in this size again and this was going to be the largest and last viewing ever on the West Coast - taking up the entire floor of the Rose Bowl.

So the both of us got there and it was so, overwhelming - not only in the size, but the number of panels, the amount of people that turned out the day we were there and the range of emotions we experienced as we walked from square to square.

At one point, after wandering around finding panels for famous people like Rock Hudson and Liberace, we had stopped and were motionless, just hugging each other while gazing over the vast field of lost souls when Randy suddenly broke down and cried - sobbing "it's just too many....too many." I just stood there, my arms wrapped around his shaking frame and said nothing, I remained quiet. I can remember it as if it were yesterday.

"I held him for an instant, But my arms felt sure and strong. It only takes a moment, to be loved a whole life long..."

To me, this was the defining moment in our relationship - because up until this point, I had NEVER seen Randy cry, shed not one tear in front of me, about anything. After Randy had finally admitted to, and realized the connection between us was permanent, he allowed the last wall to come tumbling down and let me comfort the scared little boy that dwelled deep within. That he trusted me enough to show what I had seen all along inside of him and had been trying to get him to admit to, knowing that I'd love him unconditionally. But, each of us has to move at our own speed no matter what others want and this was something oh-so-well worth waiting for.

Certainly Took Ya Long Enough

Now, before I continue about Randy and I, a wee bit of backtracking is necessary. Before the two of us went up to Oregon, we joined a tanning salon in West Hollywood to get some color. Randy did, I didn't (check out the Xmas photo from previous entry). But I did become friends with the owner (Steven) as he was from Mississippi and we both had the Southern accent and upbringing so it was almost fate. And during our separation, I needed some place to hang out between jobs. So anyway, after the parental units left, I began working on the refurbishing of the Tanning Salon to an Egyptian Tomb look with faux finished walls, framed parchments and other accessories to make it fit more with it's name Aten Plus - Aton was the Egyptian Sun God, NOT a TEN Plus as some called it. (But only once.) So anyway.....

I come bouncing into the salon one late August morning and Steven, who was out front having a cigarette said to me as I was opening the door, "Guess who came in and put in an application?" and without skipping a beat, I replied back "Randy." After I guess getting over the shock of my hitting the nail right on the head "I won't hire him if you'll be uncomfortable." (Are you kidding?) "Nah, this way I'll be able to keep a closer eye on him. Just send him out after his interview is finished."

So a couple of days later I was out back in the parking garage area of the salon sponging tones of brown paint onto styrofoam insulation squares (to represent stone walls). Being a Jackson Pollock kinda guy to get the effect, I was covered head to taupe when the back door opens and out steps Randy - all dressed up (in his favorite green shirt and jeans). He looks a little thinner, but just as handsome as the day we met.

It was awkward at first... I mean, what do you say to someone you haven't spoken with in almost seven months? Aside from "Hello", the only thing I truly remember from that conversation was at some point Randy saying to me that during discussions with his therapist (what?) that he'd come to one conclusion (direct quote):

"that I've been in love with only two people in my life, and you're one of them."

BIG HUG - and then everything else is a blur. Can you blame me though?

Having someone tell you that they are IN love with you, (a huge difference than they "love" you) is one of the scariest damn things you can hear - unless you feel exactly the same way towards them, then your heart jumps up and down inside doing the "happyhappyjoyjoy" dance.

So guess where I stayed that night? (I'll give you a hint, it wasn't at home.)

Outta Sight But Never Far Away

The first couple of weeks it was tough dealing with Randy's and my "breakup". Like I said in my last post, it was a huge leap of faith for me to follow the tee shirt slogan: "If you love something let it go, it if it comes back to you, it was yours, if it doesn't, it never was."

But I also had a physical distraction to take my mind of my relationship problems - Cancer.

Karposi Sarcoma to be exact. In layman's terms, those ugly purple splothes that you saw on most dying gay men in the earlier AIDS movies. In fact it had been Randy who'd pointed out the beginnings of my first lesion several weeks before we parted. So I started a chemotherapy drip treatment (or our little weekly chemo clatch as I liked to call it) and then life got even better.

I had to find a new apartment. Our trio of roommates was breaking up and we were going our seperate ways. Actually that was a blessing in disguise for the apartment I found was in West Hollywood on the corner of Fountain and Crescent Heights. It was where the "Oleander Arms" from the 1954 A Star is Born used to stand - tres' gay locale.

And then suddenly I became a candidate for an experimental lasar surgery to try and rid myself of the ever multiplying little purple spots which, while a pain in the ass, turned out to be successful.

With all this ka-fluffle going on in my life, you'd think I wouldn't have time to even think about Randy for a second.

Oh don't be foolish. On my mind 24/7. And though I didn't contact him, I had my little spies and common friends who I would grill about how he looked and how his health was and did there appear to be anyone else in his life? And things actually got easier when he relocated from downtown to (get ready for this) three blocks from where I'd moved to. (And no, he didn't know my new address). I even saw him on the streets a few times from a distance and gut-renching as it was, I didn't say anything. (Later I was to find out that I wasn't the only one observing from a distance.)

So, while my life was very full in most areas (such as volunteering at a huge AIDS benefit where I met Liza, and marching in the Pride Parade helping carry the Medicial Marijuana Club Banner, there was still a huge hole waiting to be filled. But I had to give Randy the time and space he needed to figure out if "we" were going to ever happen. Personally, I never had much doubt (okay, some at first) but truth be told, the day I walked out on him in February, I hadn't broken up with him, we had been together all this time. We were just separated. But even though I knew it, Randy had to figure it out on his own if opening up and sharing from within for whatever amount of time you have left on earth. (Or at least I hope he would in my favor.)

The one big regret I have about us not being together that particular Summer is because that August the only time my parents ever came out to California to visit me and I would've given anything to introduce Randy to them as my partner/lover/other half. (That, and I looked so friggin' fierce - I would've dated me).

If only they'd waited a couple more weeks I could've.

continued...

Like Buttah

Our time apart became greater than our time together. And I now realize in his own way, Randy tried to explain where his head and heart were at by telling me his all-time favorite song was "Lullaby for Myself" from Babs' Superman Album. But no a copy of it in his CD collection, so I bought him one. That's it above.

As for the lyrics....

Self-contained and self-content
No promises to keep
I've got things so together
That I just can't fall asleep
Walked the night and drank the moon
Got home at half-past four,
And I knew that no-one marked my time
As I unlocked my door.

It's really lovely to discover
That you like to be alone
Not to owe your man an answer
When he gets you on the phone
Not to share a pair of porkchops
When you crave champagne and cheese
And your aim becomes to please yourself
And not to aim to please
Oh they sold me when they told me
Two can live as cheap as one
But I'm learning twice your earning
Doesn't mean it's twice the fun
If you spend each dime and all your time
On someone else's schemes
I'm not needy but I'm greedy
And I live my deepest dreams
Take an hour in the shower
Use the water while it's hot
In the tub a hand to scrub my back
Is all I haven't got.

Self-aware with self-esteem
Is selfishness a crime?
I take the day for quite a ride
And I take my own sweet time
Time to spare and time to share
And grateful I would be
If just one damn man would share the need
To be alone with me.

Now I pretty much had Randy figured out even before I'd heard the song and that was the night I gave it to him. Which also was the night that he informed me that he'd gone out and met someone who he thought he was falling in love with after an evening of conversation only. Someone, like in the song. Ouch.

I flat out told him, I have no problem with that as long as we can continue dating.

Thrust, and deflect - I wasn't giving up THAT easy.

To sum it up in a nutshell IMO, at this point in our relationship, Randy was doing everything he could to push me away so that he wouldn't fall in love (or deeper in love) with me since he was dying. What's the point? Why have two people get hurt? Or hurt worse than they already do? (Okay, so some of this I hadn't figured out quite at this time, but I had the gist of it.)

Dates were cancelled, phone calls missed or not returned until it finally got to the point that (ironically) the week after his February 11th birthday and Valentine's Day, I went over to his place on the 17th determined to have a resolution to this situation that day.

Unfortunately, that turned out to be me taking the biggest leap of faith in my life up to that point and walking out of the apartment after giving him what he wanted and calling the whole thing off. I'm not going to go into details because there even some things I won't wear on my sleeve. Suffice it to say that the walk to the elevator seemed to take twice as long as forever because I kept hoping for his door to open and hear my name called.

I wouldn't hear him speak my name again for seven months.

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